Since I haven’t written in a while, I thought it would be a good idea to end my accidental two week break with another round of POF stories. This time I am going to tell you about a guy I met… let’s call him Teeth (not to his face of course.)

This all happened about 3 years ago.

Teeth was a super nice guy, I liked him because he actually believed in real phone conversations instead of texting. You know how I feel about that if you have been a reader of mine for a while.

We talked on the phone for about a week, after I felt comfortable that he wasn’t going to turn out to be a murder or something…he came over to hang out with me. He insisted that he come early in the morning (I’m guessing because he lived a few hours away and wanted to spend as much time as he could with me before heading back home.) I am not…have never been, and will never be a morning person. I was impressed though that he was willing to drive a few hours to meet me. Most guys I’ve tried to talk to complain about driving to meet me if it will take them more than just a few minutes, so I tried my best to be a morning person that day.

His profile picture was great, long blonde Fabio type hair and crystal blue eyes. He could actually make real conversation on the the phone, and didn’t ever try to turn it into anything dirty. I really thought I was going to like him.

Teeth knocked on my door, when I opened it he was wearing a baseball cap; beautiful Fabio hair had been cut off, he was wearing some gross dingy clothes. If it wasn’t for his eyes; I 100 percent would have thought I had gotten catfished.

Then he smiled at me. Now I knew why in all of his pictures his mouth was closed. I kid you not his teeth were bigger than Bugs Bunny’s. I’m dead serious. I literally didn’t know people could have teeth that big. I’m still wondering how he can even keep his mouth fully closed to hide them.

We talked for a while and made coffee together in my French Press, because I had been telling him over the phone about my obsession with Oakland Coffee , plus like I said it was really in the morning. I needed all the coffee I could get.

He kept trying to kiss me throughout the day, which is when I learned that he apparently doesn’t brush his teeth; this guy’s breath smelled like his teeth were rotting. I can’t stress this enough…brushing your teeth is so important; especially when you have huge teeth. I had to change the subject somehow each time he would lean in to try and get kisses. No, thank you rotting teeth are not my thing.

It was sometime during the hottest part of Summer that he came over. After coffee and more talking he took me to Wendy’s to have lunch, then we went to Wal-Mart to kill time. Teeth is a storm chaser, like honestly that was his job. So anytime we were outside that day he would talk about the weather and say things to me like: “Look, it’s a (insert name of certain type of cloud here) cloud!” …all the while trying to teach me all about weather and what not. Okay, Todd Yakoubian…relax! (Todd Yakoubian is a Weatherman in Arkansas, in case you aren’t from here and that joke was totally lost on you.).

I never have cared about the weather, so that was and always will be the last thing I would ever want to talk about. Most people in my life let the weather control their plans. It rains a little and all of a sudden we can’t go to the mall or whatever. Lame. I like rain. I don’t want rain to stop me from living my life.

While we were at Wal-Mart, he bought me stuff just because I mentioned I need to get this, or that soon. I was not and would never beg someone to buy me things; I think he just thought the more stuff he bought for me…the more I’d like him. Sorry, but that’s a no from me Teeth. Now that I think of it, I missed an opportunity to have him buy a toothbrush and toothpaste, well darn!

He ended up buying me a tool bag full of tools, because he noticed I still had a lot of pictures that needed to be hung up back at my apartment. I still use that tool bag to fix stuff all the time. In fact I used it today to fix something on my electric wheelchair, so thank you Teeth!

As I mentioned earlier, this was all during the hottest part of Summer…going outside for half a second would make you feel all sweaty and nasty. If I am remembering correctly his air condition in his car was broken, which made things much worse. Once we got back to my apartment I tried to bring up as casually and politely as I could that he was welcome to go take a shower. He said no, he was okay. No you aren’t…there is a reason I brought it up; I thought to myself.

Here’s a tip: If you are at someone else’s place and they offer you a shower… they are always trying to tell you something. Whether it’s that you stink, or that they want to do something naughty with you in there…there is always a reason. In this case obviously the reason was the first one.

After he denied the shower, he hung up the photos and decor that needed it, which was very sweet of him and in that moment I realized I should have been a lot nicer to him than I had been being.

…but then things started getting weird.

…like he told me he loved me and wanted me to have his children type of weird.

First off, you just met me; not even 24 hours ago. Secondly, I don’t want kids.

That’s pretty crazy! Get out of my apartment, go to the dentist…boy bye.

-laurenmikael

PS: After I explained to him that we should just be friends, he kept texting me way over the top lovey dovey stuff each morning. He even called me one night and said he was booking a trip to see Green Day out of state with backstage passes…a year in advance. Stop trying to bribe me into liking you with my favorite band ever. Gross! I didn’t like you then, what on Earth makes you think I want to go a road trip with you a year later? Insane! I blocked him after that.

PPS: Have you “Liked” Life as Lauren Mikael on Facebook yet? You can here .

🙂

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