Learning to Lean on my Faith

Last night before heading to bed I noticed a note on my apartment door.

I assumed it was going to be a note about maintenance coming in or something. I opened it and…

Definitely not about maintenance. An eviction notice. I panicked… flashbacks of last year were happening,… (I was wrongfully evicted from my place last year.)

I cried, I prayed; this could not be happening to me two years in a row. I couldn’t handle that again. I had no where to go this time.

Probably needless to say, but I barely slept all night.

First thing this morning I got ready to go talk to the main office, I prayed more. I read my list of affirmations over and over again, I listened to my playlist of positive songs.

Once I got to the front office, I found out that the note had apparently been misworded or something…’cause I signed a few papers and everything is perfectly fine now. Thank God!

Realized I haven’t shared a picture of myself on the blog yet, so here you go…this is a picture I took today; along with my Facebook post about the same situation.

-laurenmikael

Done with Dating Apps

After getting ghosted by Scott in October and Catfished in November I told myself I was giving up on dating apps and dating in general.

I’ve stuck with it, usually I say I’m never getting on one of those apps again and then end up right back on POF a few days later.

I just don’t have the energy for games anymore, I’m physically and emotionally tired of trying. I have decided that if it isn’t someone I already know or meet naturally then I don’t have time for it.

On dating apps it’s the same thing over and over again… getting asked the questions about yourself by tons of different guys; it’s exhausting. I don’t like talking about myself, I never know what to say. Like I said in my last post, I don’t like chit chat. I prefer getting to know someone in person, it’s easier for me to talk and open up that way.

I would much rather learn something about someone, by observing them over them telling me stuff.

Instead of telling me how you like your coffee, I’d rather just watch you make it, and then I know that’s the way you like it…you know? Probably goes back to the part were I hate chit chat.

The downside to no more dating apps is I am so lonely now. I don’t have a job to go to, I don’t have anywhere I have to be. I rarely get out of the house, cause I have no where I need to go. It’s just Dookie and I all the time now, this needs to change and soon, cause being lonely is getting really old.

-laurenmikael

PS: I guess I’m gonna need to change my tagline…Disability and Dachunds doesn’t seem like it would be as catchy on its own.

Privacy is Power

This goes along with yesterday’s post if you still need to read that one you can do that here.

Very recently it has occurred to me that Privacy is power. Which basically means as long as you keep things that are important to you private, such as any details of your personal life no one can interfere and mess things up for you.

I can think of so many times in life where I mentioned details of my potential relationships over the years, and even my relationship with Jonathon (otherwise known as Boyfriend 2) to outsiders (family, friends..whatever) and almost suddenly everything would mess up.

For instance, one night back when I was dating Jonathon, my Mama came over to bring us dinner. Turns out Jonathon was still at work so my Mama and I sat and ate together.

She mentioned how nice it was to see me happy. I replied “Yeah, honestly I didn’t know it was even possible to be this happy…I can’t picture my life without him now, I don’t know what I would do if he ever left.”

Fast forward 12 hours. Jonathon moved out.

Not saying it’s my Mom’s fault or anything; just be careful who you vent to. Not everyone is rooting for you.

The same friend I mentioned in the Positivity post that I linked above is always telling me what seems like, every detail of her life…ever, which can get annoying. I like silence and, only talking if the subject matter is important. I don’t like chit chat. Like I mentioned in the other post this friend seems to be constantly going through dramatic situations.

Moral of the story…keep personal details of your life private, even when it comes to potential situations. Have you ever noticed how actors and actresses are told not to tell anyone about scripts they are reading for a potential movie? They do that for a reason, you know…

-laurenmikael

Power of Positivity

The first half of this post is going to seem like a downer, but bear with me…it’s actually ending on a super positive note.

Few the last few weeks I have been irritable, about almost everything, stressed out so bad that I couldn’t sleep. Since I was so tired I had no energy to cook or eat much of anything, which is basically a viscous cycle, considering you can’t get a good night’s sleep if you aren’t eating enough/right.

Being exhausted and hungry will make you negative about everything.

That’s how I had been pretty much all month. December tends to be hard for me anyway because when I was 14 years old on December 17th, 2004; I lost my Nanny (my favorite person on earth) We’ll talk more about Nanny later; She deserves her own post, so that will be upcoming.

On December 17th of this year my Aunt sent me a video of Steve Harvey, he was talking about the importance of having a written list of things you desire to have in your life, read them frequently, saying them out loud is good too. Have the faith that you will receive them and they will manifest. Which goes hand and hand with stay positive and you will see positive results in return. (I will embed the video at the end of this post.)

As soon as I finished watching the video I grabbed a pen and paper and started my list. I read over it, went to bed feeling calm, happy and positive. I even got some good sleep.

I woke up the next morning feeling much better than I have in quite a while…I went through my Facebook and unfollowed anyone who is not bringing me joy or posting happy, positive things.

I have a friend who has a pretty rough life…especially lately, seems like negativity constantly follows her. It does this because of the way she speaks. Simply put, you get what you say. 100% Without a doubt, I know this. I mention to her the Steve Harvey video, making a list, and told her to mind the way she speaks. As I’m telling her she is constantly still spewing negative things, she won’t listen to me. I understand it completely though, because a few years ago I was the exact same way.

My positive outlook that had recently came back to me the night before was now gone after talking to her. You can’t live a positive life while surrounded by negative people…much in the same way as a recovering alcoholic needs to stay away from bars if they truly want to be sober, it makes it easier. Remove yourself from the situation to remove the problem. Which tells me I need to cut some people out my of life fully. No matter how long I’ve known them or what role they play in my life. They gotta go. I will not let their negativity steal my peace, joy or stress me out anymore.

-laurenmikael

Siri Thinks She’s Funny

For days now I have been trying to decide what I was going to write about, cause I feel like I took too long of a break due to the holiday, surgery and loneliness/depression.

Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I was trying to turn the light off…but I accidentally pulled the wrong piece of yarn attached to my ceiling fan chains.

I mumbled “holy shit” (I have a potty mouth; been trying to work on that for a while now…clearly it is not going well.)

I hate living in an apartment. the freezer in my place does this very loud low-pitch humming sound at basically all times, except for when other people are over, you know…that way it can make me sound like a lying, crazy person. It is literally about to drive me insane and yes, I’ve mentioned it to the front office plenty of times. To which they say “It’s probably just the ice maker.” Then they move on with their lives. Cause they aren’t in here all day, every day the way I am, so they could care less I’m sure. Pisses me off, I am about to just buy my own fridge to replace it. I can’t take this anymore.

Anyway, since it is so loud I wear my Bose noise canceling headphones basically nonstop, lately, cause the humming seems to be getting worse; they have a mic on them, my phone is set up to respond to “Hey Siri” Apparently somehow she thought I summoned her when I said “holy shit” when she said “Sorry, I didn’t get that.” I must have mumbled Son of a bitch, considering what she said next…cause I can see how that happened. It rymes pretty well.

She said “celibate? I don’t understand” I wish I would have taken a screenshot for you guys.

I know I’ve been alone for a while, but dang Siri why do you have to act like that? Like my own depression and anxiety don’t already rub my accidental celibacy in my face ALL. THE. TIME. I don’t need you to point it out too. Trust me…I definitely already know how alone I am. Thanks though. Bitch! 😜

-laurenmikael

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Dating a Real World: Atlanta Cast Member?!

I’ve been recovering from surgery, and celebrating Thanksgiving early with my family. Things are finally getting back to normal, so I figured it was time to get back to the blog.

A few days before surgery, I met a guy on POF named Chris. Things were going great at first, really cute guy… (See picture above this post.)

A few days in things started to get weird, he told me he was in Dubai for Military business, and needed $300 to get back home to the states to be with me…Umm, nope!!! That screams scam. First off: The Military DOESN’T charge fees for leave paperwork. Man, quit lying to me, I’m not stupid, I see through your nonsense!

I played a long for a while to see if I could make him break character.

He had been sending me little videos of “him” singing. In one video “Chris” was wearing a construction hat, I zoomed in on the video and notice the name on it said Clint Wright. see the first video below:

I Googled “Clint Wright”, and sure enough, all the photos and videos I had been sent by “Chris” where right there. Clint Wright was a cast member on The Real World: Atlanta this year, he likes to sing and is a farmer in Potterville, Michigan.

Video is from the real Clint’s Instagram. Which you can find here

Once discovering all of this I called the guy I had been talking to out. He claimed Clint Wright is just his stage name. Of course it is…NOT!!! I then told him that since he was a cast member on The Real World: Alanta he should have more than enough of his own money to get home from Dubai.

I wish I would have saved the conversation thread to show everything to you guys, but I totally wasn’t thinking about the blog and deleted the chat before I started writing this blog post. Sometimes I’m dumb. (…still not dumb enough to send money to Dubai though, so I’ve got that going for me.)

Too bad though, cause even though I’m not really a Country fan; this Clint Wright dude is really cute, and seems pretty awesome, not even gonna lie, if the real Clint Wright ever wanted to date me, I would totally be all about it!

PS: I even tried video chatting with him just to see what would happen…he answered and played tiny clips from this guy’s parts of the episodes of The Real World, and then hung up real quick. It was clearly someone pointing their phone at a TV screen while they let old clips of Clint play…I can’t believe they thought I would fall for that mess.

I think I’m gonna need to stay off of dating sites for a while!

-laurenmikael

Time to get my Batteries Replaced

Since I have Cerebral Palsy, my muscles are a lot tighter than the average person’s. I’m also very spastic…a loud noise (sometimes it doesn’t even have to be loud) can happen and I will practically get so jumpy that I swear I almost jump out of my skin.

When I was 10 years old I went through testing to see if my body could handle having a medicine pump to help me deal with these issues.

Turns out I was a match for the Baclofen pump ( thank God!) Up until I got the pump, I had constant nerve pain and spasms in my legs, the nerve pain was like constant bolts of lightning shooting through my legs.

The sad part is, until the Baclofen pump, I thought that was completely normal, I didn’t really know I was different than other people, aside from the wheelchair of course. I honestly thought everyone in the world had this nerve pain and we were all just supposed to just deal with it. Guess what? I was wrong.

Ever since then I’ve had the pump in my abdomen. It’s like a tuna fish can, or a hockey puck. The pump is connected to a catheter that runs up my spine and continuously bathes my spine in medication.

Now I very, very rarely have lightning legs, and am far less jumpy, my muscles are a whole lot looser than they would be without it.

Every 4 to 6 months I go to get the pump refilled with medicine and the doctor adjust the dosage, if needed. They refill it by giving me a shot in the abdomen, the pump has a tiny rubber door and as long as the doctor hits it in the right spot it, it is easy to refill.

Every 7 years the batteries of the pump have to be replaced. Don’t want to let that slip up. Trust me, I know.

When I was probably 14 years old the pump I had malfunctioned in the middle of the night. It was such weird timing. My family and I were watching an episode of House, MD in the episode everyone was on an airplane mid-flight, when suddenly they started breaking out in red itchy rashes. My family has always called me a hypochondriac. So, when I started itching at the exact same time as the characters in the show, my Dad didn’t believe me.

Flash forward to about 3:00 AM that morning, I am in the emergency room, going through drug withdrawals, lightning legs and everything. I had to have emergency surgery to have my pump replaced.

I still tease my family about not listening to me when I first got itchy. I’m never going to let them live that one down. Ha!

Ever since that night I have the doctor check my battery percentage, every time I go for a medicine refill. I refuse to go through withdrawal again. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. itching everywhere, non stop…an itch that could not be satisfied with scratching. I remember laying in the hospital bed, praying that God would just let me die. I couldn’t handle it anymore.

So, anyway tomorrow it is time to get my batteries replaced yet again. I am not in any way a fan of doctors, hospitals, or surgeries. I have major white coat syndrome.

So if you could please send prayers and positivity my way for tomorrow morning. I would really appreciate it. Surgery is at 7:00 AM.

-laurenmikael

Coffee Ghost gets Constipated

This morning I woke up to find a big bottle of Benefiber sitting between the Vitamix and the coffee maker.

I keep that bottle on a shelf in the kitchen, and haven’t even used it in years; so it definitely wasn’t left out by me… and I have a pretty strong hunch that my Dachshund Dookie didn’t have the ability to move it.

Which means it had to be Carla. Old people get constipated easily, so it makes sense…and obviously it was by the coffee maker so she could get her fix. I couldn’t remember her name until I asked my friend earlier today. So from now on we will drop the name Coffee Ghost and call her by her real name. Or maybe, Carla the Coffee Ghost. Kinda catchy; has a nice ring to it don’t you think?

I got up to use the restroom in the middle of the night last night, I I smelled cigarette smoke in my apartment, this happens occasionally…comes and goes. I have never thought much of it in the past, but it occurred to me this morning as I was making my coffee, that the day I moved in this place and did the first walk through (or technically roll through) the laundry room had a very strong cigarette smoke smell.

Guess that is where Carla used to light up. Whenever I smell smoke now I will know she came over for a nice cup of Joe.

She must have needed a smoke and a cup of coffee laced with Benefiber early this morning.

I like to think of her as more of a Guardian Angel; it’s less creepy…but like we talked about before Carla the Coffee ghost just sounds catchier.

When I started Life as Lauren Mikael I never intended on this blog ghost oriented, but I will just write about her whenever she comes to visit. The rest of the time it will be as the tagline implies: Disability, Dating and Dachshunds.

-laurenmikael

Who Knew Texting was so Hard…?

“I’m not interested in you anymore; but I hope you find what you are looking for.”

Is that too hard to say or to send in a text message? I’ve never understood why someone would rather ghost than communicate.

I would much rather be told that it isn’t going to work between us, than to sit around waiting for a response that may or may not even come.

Why is it always the ones I really like that do the ghosting? It’s never the guys that I couldn’t really care either way…unfair.

I have gotten to the point where I don’t even bother texting anyone anymore, unless they are the one who initiated the conversation.

I have been ghosted so many times now that I don’t trust anyone anymore. Even when I tell people I can’t handle being ignored, due to anxiety and depression… they still end up doing exactly what I asked them not to do. I guess they do it then since they know that is the way to really get at me.

It’s very childish. I have recently decided that if someone can’t be mature or respect me enough to respond to me, then they don’t deserve a place in my life anyway; regardless of my feelings for them. I used to be that person who blew up their phone until I got a message back. These days I don’t have the energy for that.

Here’s to hoping that one day I find a man that cares about me enough to always respond.

-laurenmikael

Coffee Ghost Strikes Again…

If we are friends on Facebook, you probably remember me posting this status. Make sure read it if you haven’t…that way the rest of this post makes sense.

Read it?

Good.

My coffee maker died a few days after this. I ordered a new one, it arrived today. Finally! I went way too long without coffee.

I got a BUNN this time, they brew fast and are the brand restaurants use, so that’s gotta say something about the quality. Tired of having coffee problems, so I figured I should go with the best this time.

I had just finished setting it up so I could brew a cup. As I was doing this, I heard the voice of a sweet sounding older lady behind me say “Ma’am?” as if she was about ask me something.

I panicked a little, turned around…nothing was there.

Dookie (my Dachshund) came running over to me looking spooked; otherwise I would just chalk this up to the fact I didn’t get much sleep last night.

If I am remembering correctly I was told the lady who lived here got sick around Thanksgiving, before dying at the hospital a while later.

Curious if that’s why she has been showing up lately…I moved in in February and haven’t noticed anything until I posted that Facebook status on October 20th.

Also, she needs to dial it back a little…I am not a ma’am yet! I’ll be 30 in February. I don’t feel like 30 is ma’am territory.

I am working on getting a house, so hopefully I won’t have to live in this apartment too much longer.

I promise you, I’m not crazy!

-laurenmikael

PS: After I finished writing this, I went to turn the TV on, and had to reset it, because it wouldn’t come on…it’s brand new, barely even two months old; it shouldn’t be malfunctioning yet. Maybe she had something to do with it…Loves coffee, hates TV? Hmm…maybe so.